"45" - Shinedown

send the way for the priceless gift
one not suttle, one not on the list
send the way for the perfect world
one not simply, so absurd
in these times of doing what your told
keep these feelings, no one knows

what ever happed to the young man's heart
swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

chorus:
well i'm staring down the barrel of a 45
swimming through the ashes of another life
no real reason to accept the way, things that change staring down the barrel of a 45

send the message the unborn child
keep your eyes open, for a while
in a box, high above the shelf
meant for you, no one else
there's a piece of a puzzle known as life
wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

what ever happed to the young man's heart
swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

chorus

everyone pointing their fingers
always condeming me
nobody knows what i believe, i believe

chorus x2
...45, staring down the barrel of a 45

     I wonder if I die how long my memory would survive .... maybe tonight is the time to try ....

     thinkin 'bout making some changes round ch'ere let'cha know how we really is .... some time now Gothic been creeping, gettin out an' all, now time fo some Ghetto  shine ....

     dis tha way we ball ....

     basically just a sad, pathetic loser who can't keep the girl .... even if she is more fucked up then he is ....

Self Esteem – The Offspring

I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practice all the things I would say
But she came over
I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert

Now I know I’m being used
That’s okay man cause I like the abuse
I know she’s playing with me
That’s okay cause I got no self esteem

We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
All this rejection’s got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her no

Chorus
When she’s saying that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she’s saying that I’m like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should speak up for myself
But I really think it’s better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care
Right? yeah yeah yeah

Now I’ll relate this little bit
That happens more than I’d like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score

Now I know I should say no
But that’s kind of hard when she’s ready to go
I may be dumb
But I’m not a dweeb
I’m just a sucker with no self esteem

Chorus

     I can't go to fuckin sleep cuz thoughts of you I keep insidiously deep how it creeps and from it I can't flee still thinking about you even though I tell myself we're through. I don't know why it had to die I've had my last cry yet still I miss you. What I thought I did wrong, why I moved slow as I did even thinking of calling you to get some kind get of 'nother chance cuz I can't move on. Reject's belt having left welts stops me cuz of the pain I'm now going through. Self fullfilling prophecies or short comings from being needy I don't know it's got me wicked confused, worthless and somehow feel you was the one used giving you benefit's doubt based on silence's clout.

     It still hurts this place empty within that was secret's retreat our den I saw ourselves in. I just don't understand what happened one minute I was in the next without warning we end. What you told me I took for tru yet I was still let down, teased, tortured, left blu. Public opinion says you shit, you ain't bout shit, and that I should leave you in my shit - fucked up, huh - how life like that.

     well it's done will see what's said, I made my last call today if you are courageless enough to do nothing about it then so may it be ....

     and the fuck part is you prob'ly glad it's finally over ....

Phone Conversation ....

"Hello?"

"Yeah, can I speak to *******"

<pause>

"May I ask who's calling"

"Yeah, it's ****"

<pause>

"Oh, she isn't in right now can I take a message?"

"Yeah .... not that I'm trying to be rude or anything, but tell here if she doesn't return my phone call she don't have to worry 'bout me calling no more"

     and somehow it's as if I can visualize you telling her to tell me once againthat you ain't in ....

     well, what can I say same occurrances happened past continue today .... should have known better to think that you might actually recieve my phone call but ney, what can I do what is there to say? I dunno prob'ly better off this way ....

     I'm tellin ya I'm really starting to feel like a bitch going through all this fuck shit stemming from my brain coursing through smoke deluded veins. It ain't right how you don't return my call ever at all and if you home hear whispers, "tell him something ok, I'm not really dressed anyway". That and the lies about never coming by falling though unheard alibies ....

     so what am I left with ....

     So I have a girlfriend and I wonder what it all means .... we're not deep in the relationship yet having only met a couple months ago, there were a couple rocky patches we've gone through but nothing real major. I'm wondering if I'm being too clingy but  it irritates me that I don't see her more 'cause it's been just over a week since I saw her last, although I have talked to her on occasion between then and now. I am trying to be understanding of her needs and space but am I being vain in thinking that she should be spending more time with me and me wanting her to return my calls in a more timely fashion. I've never been the controlling type and do not want to appear as being so, so what am I to do? I'd feel stupid talking to her about it and mos def don't want her to get the impression that I am that insecure so I am just playing it out hopefully as events progress it will turn out for the better. 

Oh

Now I’m stuck

Got love struck

Ova this lil mo

Shawty dirty mojo

Constantly on tha go

I no longer know

Awe inspire flow

And so what reaps

Under casting glow

Copyright©2005 M.T. Perkins

07 June 2005

     yeah I know I been MIA ....

     met a chick and got my heart broke I feel like I wanna die inside, but I could be wrong maybe it's just the way it is that makes it appear what it isn't. Then again it can be nothing more then denial's cycle, a yearning for something illusional and I'm just meant to be delusional's unhappy bastard child. Doesn't matter though I still feel like shit just a chump for not recognizing game when being played, either way I lose with nothings gained, always the same....

     I just wanna be happy, a concept that rarely works.  I should've known better to think that something as elusive as love, who I've never been friend of leaves me blind to what I will never recieve in kind. The center of my chest is empty feeling feeling's pain taken from me again now left crying onbroken knees from cupid's crippling, disabling disease ....

     that piece of me you were is starting to die, beginning's end of ends beginning. Questions unaswered of unknown commited sins never chancing to win lost and forgotten on breezes of abandonment's wind ....

     wus up ev'rybody, I know I haven't been around alot which is ironic cuz now I have a laptop and you'd think I'd be around more .... but alas I haven't been in much of a writing mood and being as I haven't been doing what I'm supposed to be doing I don't have much to post to my journal. Anyway, if you are wondering why my font is a lil bigger than usual it's because I'm using a font called A Charming Font so if you can see this font let me know ....

     hmmmm .... what is ,well it is the new and no I made no resolutions because I highly doubt I would stick to them anyway instead I will focus on my goals and achieve what needs to be done, everything in it's time as the saying goes .... well, that's all I have to say for now - holla at'cha boi ....

     so where have I been you ask, good question ....

     I've been working mostly, school, and generally fucking up my life by not doing what I should. Oh well, tis life and what I make of it. Anyway, I got a new laptop which is pretty cool now that I'm out of the "wooohooo-I-got-a-new-toy" phase I've been messing around on it testing it out and seeing what cool things I can do with it. The college is accepting submissions for its spring edition literary magazine. I've just started editing my poetry and deciding what pieces I"m gonna submit, hopefully one might get accepted and I can say that I am a "published poet", wouldn't that be cool. That's really it for now, my life is pretty boring ....

     That's how I feel lately, like I'm here one minute then gone the next .... anyway, shit's getting crazy inside I'm feeling the weight of who I'm not and where I am bearing down on me, insidiously I hear the calling of dead waters of nowhere's shores drawing me near (how's that for metaphor). Seriously though here's a quick highlight of what I've been up too ....

     Last month or so I moved out of the shelter into a "hole-in-the-wall" motel downtown, then this past weekend I moved form there into my friend's house with his family. Basically I'm paying rent there to have a room. It's cool but I don't think I'm gonna be ther as long as I planned ....

     I am currently in school taking four online classes at the local community college, two started three weeks ago and my other two start next week which gives me four classes this term. Next term which starts the second week of the new year will have me taking five classes, four on campus and one online. My financial aid came through, finally but I am having to pay for my books out of pocket because I have yet to receive the disbursement money. I've got enough to pay for my classes (this term and next) and might even have a lil change left over, I hope anyway ....

     I have been writing some in my composition book and I know I said I would publish that here I just haven't got around to it yet .... that pretty much it for now ....

     BIF (before I forget): I gotta give a shout out to Vampy, FRA,  and Lady.... thanks for coming 'round when no one else did. I know I haven't been around much myself lately, but I do appreciate ya'll thinking 'bout me ....

     for anyone out there who actually reads the crap I post my apologies for having been absent of late .... I'm still working and started my classes three weeks ago .... I have been writing in my compostion book mostly and sometime soon I should be publishing what I've written there to here .... until then - see ya when I see ya ....

     (p.s. for those of you that have hit me up through e-mail I haven't forgotten I'll e-mail ya back when I can ....)

Hollow Tears

     I know it's been a few since I actually had something to say, it seems as if I can't be online to write but I do keep a small notebook to jot things down ....

     A certain truth: yeah, I actually like the dark and the things that go bump in the night ....

    So I've stopped taking my medication because depression's sensation courses comfort through my viens. Insane you might say but it's my cocaine that keeps me sane. I can't escape this dismal bliss trapped in it's grasp, seductive kiss ....

     I'm surrounded by those that do the same as I an I, when you down below with nowhere to go one is careful to whom you flow ....

     you know it's fucked up when even the pigeons are diseased that's what it's like where I live where all the "clients" are either addicts or mental ....

     coming to the reservoir I meditate by this man made tiny lake sitting amongst croaking frogs of winter's fall; dragonflies darting back and forth before the backdrop of the setting sun the beginings of evening's night dance just begun ....

     what I would like to do is lean back on the softness of the cooling grass with you ....

blunted

burning trees

rah ganja jah

     someplace I happened upon: http://falcon.jmu.edu/~klemmjd/rastafari/ganja.htm

     My week in a nutshell:

     Suffice it to say I am fucking up of which I'll not detail in order to protect the innocent ....

     Mr. Dunbar please let me extend my deepest gratitude in straining the boundaries of our friendship, it is most appreciated .... contrary to common belief, I am unfortunately not one of the plagued masses. No, I venture into much grander, stupendously stupid venues of delusion....

     fortuitous:

     "hey man, you got a light?"

     "yeah, I can get a sqaure?"

     "bet"

     oh yeah, there is a certain young lady that has occupied alot of my mind of late ....